Cortucopia

Summer Isn't Here Yet, But It's Already Gone

2010-05-09T23:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, for real....I need to learn to say "no". Isn't that what I learned in the 6th grade D.A.R.E program?

"Just say 'No', Kids!"

I've taken on so much work, I don't think it's possible to get it all done. What the hell was I thinking? Sure, I'm going to London in a few weeks, but I'll spend the entire trip feeling bad because of the work I still have to do. Yes, I'm going to Hawai'i in July, but I'll probably stress about work the whole time.

Yes, readers, this is my life. Work work work work work. When I'm not working, I'm thinking about work. What ever happened to the irresponsible Cort? You remember him don't you? The guy that never went to class? The guy that didn't ever study? The guy that took his sweet time getting through college? How do I bring him back?

I did come up with a solution last week....The California Lottery! It was up to $266 million. I was sure I was going to win. I could feel it in my bones. Mentally, I had already bought several homes. I didn't win....damn!

So now my summer will be spent in my 6' x 6' cube. Hoooray!!!!!

Someone cheer me up..........

Catching Up And Getting Down

2010-02-27T03:06:00.000-08:00

One year and four months. That's a long time. Many things happen in 16 months. I could have had nearly two babies. I've gained enough weight to be carrying two babies. I've had 3 friends have babies in that time. Why am i discussing babies?

So what's new? Not a whole lot. I still work for ~~Satan~~ Deloitte. I still make peanuts (literally. Every two weeks a huge bag of peanuts is delivered to my desk. Super bizarre). I'm still single. I'm still "witty". I still don't look my age. I still live in California. I still watch too much tv. I'm still not a full fledged CPA.

Ok, so on to what IS new. I was promoted! I'm now a Senior Tax Consultant. What does that mean you ask? Well, I basically do the same thing for the same pay for longer hours and more responsibility. What does that really mean? Nothing. I just do more work. Instead of working until until 1 am. I work until 5 am. Hot damn!

What else? I bought a new car. I was shocked that the dealership accepted my peanuts. Apparently, the economy is in the pooper.

Any other news? I'm going to London in May. Anyone have suggestions of what I should do there? Does anyone still read this???

In short, the last year and half has been interesting. I've worked hard. I've gone to Hawai'i twice. I've visited my family. In short, I'm still me. I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'll try to post again within the next 16 months.

SIGH

2008-10-31T06:28:00.000-07:00

Deloitte Tax Consultant I Conference, Orlando, Florida

Section 351....blah blah blah

Primary Authority....blah blah blah

Deferred Tax Assets....blah blah blah

Kill me!!!

This Is Some Mighty Fine Milk!

2008-09-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

So PETA has recently come up with a WONDERFUL (and delicious) idea for America. Read here.

Yes, you read that correctly. PETA has come up with the brilliant idea of using breast milk in ice cream. BREAST MILK! What the hell??? I mean seriously....i like breast as much as anyone else (I mean who doesn't?), but breast milk ice cream?

PETA wonders why people don't take them seriously. They wonder why they're seen as a bunch of crazy wackos. I wonder why? Could it be because of ideas like this?

If You Look To Your Right, Kids, You'll See Satan!

2008-09-03T03:52:00.000-07:00

15 hour work days suck. 15 hour works on consecutive days reallly sucks. 15 hour works day for 10 straight days is &%#@ing hell!

Love Child

2008-08-21T00:21:00.001-07:00

New Girlfriend

2008-08-21T00:20:00.001-07:00

Lying Liars and the Lies They Tell

2008-08-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

I've refrained from blogging about politics. I find it to be an intensely personal issue. In this day and age, it tends to divide and create irreconcilable differences between friends and family. Unfortunately, I've become sufficiently annoyed by certain claims and I've decided to blog about it.

Over the last 5+ years we've heard the liberal left screaming that the Bush tax cuts were for the rich. We've been told that his tax cuts shifted the tax burden to the middle class. We've been told that the rich are paying less in taxes than they ever have before. The left tells us that Bush helped out his rich friends.

So I ask: Is this the truth? Do the facts support this? Recently, the Internal Revenue Service ("IRS") released their Statistics of Income, 2008. This is a compilation of data concerning the 2006 tax year. It can be found here.

According to the data (i.e. the facts), the tax burden was NOT shifted to the middle class. According to the IRS statistics, the taxpayers in the top 10% in income levels paid 71% of the taxes. Let me say that again: THOSE IN THE TOP 10% PAID SEVENTY-ONE PERCENT OF THE TAX! How can that be? We've been repeatedly told that the top earners paid the least. According to the data, this is the highest level of taxes paid by the rich in 40 years. Additionally, the the top 25% of wage earners paid 86% of the tax and the top 50% of wage earners paid 97.1% of the taxes. WHAT THE HELL?

Yes, I am aware of the argument that the rich have more wherewithal to pay tax while the destitute do not have the same wherewithal to pay. Under a truly flat tax system, if you make 10% of the income, you'll pay 10% of the tax. If you make 99% of the income, you pay 99% of the tax, and so on. The fact that the top 1% percent (those making 22% of the total income) pay 40% of the tax tells us how steeply graduated the current tax system is. It is fairly obvious who is paying the tax and who isn't.

The great Mr. Obama has promised to tax the rich at an even higher rate. He has also promised to cut taxes for the bottom wage earners. What is he going to cut the tax rate to for the lower tax brackets? They're currently only paying 2.9% of the tax! Is his plan to have them pay zero tax? Is it his plan to have the top 50% pay for the bottom 50%? He talks of having a "more fair" tax system. How is it fair that the top pays it all while the bottom pays nothing?

It appears to me that by a "more fair" tax system, Mr. Obama wants to redistribute wealth. How dare someone be industrious and make money?! He has hinted that he wants people to be able to choose whatever career path they want without financial concerns. He seems to think that we should all be paid more or less equally no matter the job. The janitor and the CEO should both be paid equally. There shouldn't be any salary premium for extra education or job difficulty. What does that spell, kids? S.O.C.I.A.L.I.S.M! Is this what Mr. Obama meant by "economic justice"?

Interestingly, the Bush tax cuts are proving the Laffer Curve to be correct. According to this economic theory, tax rates above an optimal level will actually DECREASE tax revenue. So let's look at the facts once again. Bush cuts taxes and the rich pay more taxes. Hmmmmm, sounds like tax rates must have been above the optimal level. Mr. Obama wants to raise the tax rates. Accordingly, the rich will begin to pay LESS in taxes. I'm willing to bet this is exactly what will happen when Mr. Obama begins to play Robin Hood.

I just don't get it. Taxing the living hell out of people is not smart. It's simple economics. When my incentive to work is taken away, I stop working. Mr. Obama proposes to do exactly this. He wants to tax the rich as much as possible. Does he truly believe that they're going to continue to be industrious if they're only going to get to keep 30 to 40% of their money? The Wall Street Journal has estimated that the combined tax rate for the rich under Mr. Obama's tax plan will be roughly 67%. Yes, 67% will go to the government!

I work hard for my money and I want to keep it. I don't think it's "fair" that 2.5 days a week I work so that other people don't have to work all at. It's not fair that I busted my ass to get an education so that those that didn't choose to do the same can have MY money. I'm sorry but you're not entitled to anything. This is America. This is the country that has always believed in working hard. The American Dream was never to get handouts. Sadly, the American Dream is now getting something for nothing.

On the topic of Mr. Obama, he recently said the following:

"Now, in terms of knowing my commitments, you don't have to just look at my words, you can look at my deeds. Just this past week, we passed out of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee, which is my committee, a bill to call for divestment from Iran, as a way of ratcheting up the pressure to ensure that they don't obtain a nuclear weapon."

For a little context on this, you have to understand that Mr. Obama has been criticized for being merely a talker. Both John Edwards and Hilary Clinton attacked him for his voting record. The attacks on his voting record are well chronicled. I'm not going to rehash them now. The argument is that Mr. Obama doesn't have a history of action to back up what he preaches. He has yet to sponsor any significant bill in in the U.S. Congress. During his time in the Illinois legislature, Mr. Obama also failed to sponsor any significant bills. He merely votes presents rather than acutally DOING anything.

With this in mind, Mr. Obama points out that he does DO things. Look at what the U.S. Senate Banking Committee did! They are his committee. Here's proof that it's his committee. U.S. Senate Committee on Banking. Oh wait, there's no Mr. Obama there. Well, maybe he's on one of the subcommittees. Hmm...not there either. How exactly is this his committee?

The man just speaks pretty words. There isn't much substance to what he says. He has no record to back up his claims that he's going to change things. I'm sorry, but he doesn't have any history to prove he'll do anything other than give pretty speeches. Yes, Oprah supports. Yes, George Clooney thinks he's great. Now show me something of substance that he has done.

Again, I truly don't understand the Obamamania

How To Start August With A Bang

2008-08-06T23:49:00.001-07:00

Date: August 1, 2008

Location: Deloitte Office, San Jose, California

Ring, Ring

Me: Hello?

Roommate: Hey

Me: What's up?

Roommate: Did the police call you yet?

Me (in my head): Oh shit, they found the body!*

Me (verbally): No.........

Roommate: Um....we were robbed!

Me: We were what? Robbed? Did you say robbed? Like someone named Rob played a prank on us and; thus, we were "robbed"? Or did you say rubbed? I guess it wasn't rubbed because, frankly, that doesn't make sense. I would KNOW if i was rubbed. So i guess someone named Rob played a prank us. What is the prank?

Roommate: Someone broke into our home......

Me: Hey, that's a good prank. How did he pull that off?

Roommate: You're a retard. No one named Rob played a prank on us.

Me: So what are you saying?

Roommate: You need to come home. The police are here.

Me: Ah, Fu$&!

Yes. My home was invaded by 4 teenagers. They took my baby (i.e. 46" flat screen). BASTARDS!

The police say they're going to "do all they can to find our belongings." Meaning what? You have nothing to go on. My shit is gone.

If you are reading this and you don't have renter's insurance. Please do the following:

a) Open a new browser window
b) Google the website of your preferred insurance provider
c) Purchase renter's insurance
d) Thank me later (if you ever are robbed)

*I do not have any dead bodies stashed anywhere. That was merely a joke. I swear.

P.S. Stay tuned for my rant regarding tax cuts and Obama.

P.S.S. I need a vacation

P.S.S.S. Anyone want to buy me a new laptop?

P.S.S.S.S. Additionally, do you have hot friends?

Is That A Phone In Your Pants?

2008-06-26T01:15:00.001-07:00

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0623081phone1.html

Oh God, Where Art Thou?

2008-06-24T23:43:00.001-07:00

He's in jail for being a coke dealer.

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/jun/21/oh-my---god-arrested-coke-charges/

I'm A Shining Star

2008-06-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

Three words: What. The. F?

http://itsallaboutthehat.blogspot.com/2008/03/baby.html

One Day And Counting

2008-06-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm thirty and one day.

Narcissism Is The New Charming

2008-06-22T00:45:00.001-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that I am NOT the shit.....who knew????

Oh, To Be Like Sam Beam

2008-06-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Last night, after ANOTHER 14 hour work day, i dreamt that I had a burly beard. It was lovely. I was so happy. I really want a beard.

Day Number 4

2008-06-13T03:43:00.000-07:00

Today makes my 4th straight day of working past past midnight. I hit a record. 3:45 am, and still going......damn, and it's not even busy season yet.

It's 12:45 A.M. Where Are You?

2008-06-11T00:45:00.001-07:00

Probably in bed. Maybe getting ready for bed. Some may be still watching TV. Me? I'm at work...Blah!

Too busy to post. Will later.

Suck It!

2008-06-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's June. Where has the last six months gone? Is it just me, or does time go by faster the older you get. It seems like only yesterday that I was a measley undergrad at USU, living with 8 guys in a teeny, tiny apartment (or sleeping on a friend's couch for 3 weeks). I can't believe that was 5 years ago!

Things are the same with me. I work. I watch TV. I get fatter. Yay!!!

Wish I had something of value to share with you all, but alas I do not. I shall think over the next few days and come up with something fantastic for all you loyal readers (i.e. no one).

In short.........I'm back, bitches!

Dear Anonymous

2008-02-26T12:40:00.000-08:00

To My Beloved Anonymous Commentor,

Please be man (or woman) enough to state your name when commenting on my blog. I know it's hard, but don't hide behind the anonymous tag.

Also, if you're going to attack me, make sure you spell check your comments. I believe you meant that i shouldn't "make fun of people supporting their beliefs"...not believes. I assume you meant beliefs because believes is a verb not a noun. I don't know how i could make fun of someone supporting their believes.

Further, your comment about supporting a friend or presidential candidate didn't make sense. More evidence that you should proofread your comments so as to not make an ass of yourself.

Yes, anonymous, i was discriminating. Yes, it is the 21st century. Unfortunately, I am not at your level of open mindedness. I still feel the need to make fun of those that are publicly humiliating themselves. Such as yourself.

Sincerely,

Me

Let's Go A Protesting!

2008-01-18T14:36:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Golds Gym in Provo is showing pornography. (link) Is it Debbie Does Dallas? Some new Jenna Jamison flick, you ask... No! It's music videos with...bikinis, and bras...oh no!! My eyes...oh my virgin eyes!

I bet you're curious who these people are...well here's a picture from the above article.

Wow, those guys are righteous...RIGHTEOUS AS HELL!

P.S. 1991 called and it wants its double breasted suit back. I'm looking at you Douche Le Gay on the left. You look like you need a royal beat down! And you in the front...Take your mission trench coat to the DI. You look like a retard. And is the collar furry? Do you think you're Shaft or just Super Fly? And what's up with the dude in the right corner? Is he sporting some Beverly Hills 90210 style side burns? You aren't Jason Priestly, so shave the sideburns.

I'm also curious about the "Anti-Pornography Clubs" at both BYU and UVSC (or is it UVU now?). Don't you students have something better to do than form clubs against porn? I'm thinking maybe you should study...or get a damn job! And what are you doing at these club meetings? Are you watching things to determine if it's porn?..."There's a nipple...this is definitely porn. Let's keep watching to make sure...oh yea...she's getting naked...this is terrible stuff!"

It is my assumption that these clubs are filled with either:

a) former porn addicts who have swung to the opposite extreme
or b) current porn addicted self loathers.

Most likely it's a combo of both.

Honestly, these people embarrass me as a human, as a mormon, and just in general. What a bunch of ass clowns! I really want to punch them all in the throat.........

What is Cort

2008-01-13T23:57:00.000-08:00

I came across this website awhile ago, http://www.googlism.com/. You can enter your name and all the references of your name that are found using google.com will show up. Here's an example:

cort is and cort does
cort is definitely my first choice now
cort is my brother

See how sweet those are. Sadly not all are as sweet:

cort is disgustingly oily as a fascist villain
cort is driving the motorhome
cort is still hanging on the wall

and last but NOT least....

cort is not worth that much

What the hell?? I'm not worth much? Who wrote this? Who DARES say such a thing?!?! oh wait, I can think of a few people.

And since when did I become oily? And a fascist? A villian? I know that if i don't shower i can stink...but do I stink as bad as Mussolini??? I mean come on!!

Further, if I have said motorhome, why am I paying rent. I'd be totally living it up in the motor home retired old folks style. Give me my damn motorhome!!

I was going to make a hanging on the wall comment, but i'll refrain...i'm already halfway to hell.

But to end:

cort is sensitive
cort is making the big dollar now

and the best!

cort is 1 1/2" tall and comes in his adorable rusted mailbox

Yay, for my adorable rusted mailbox.....

Try googlism on your own name. It's fun!

Starting The Year Off With A Bang!

2008-01-08T13:26:00.001-08:00

Bang! This year sucks already.......

Singing For All To Hear

2008-01-03T01:13:00.000-08:00

I did something I've never done before. I went to a Karaoke bar. Woah Woah Woah...settle down! Before you get too excited and piss yourself, let me explain one thing: I didn't sing. Are you kidding me? Me? Sing? In public? Riiiiiiiiight! Not happening. No way!

Nonetheless, the experience was interesting. I've always wondered what inspires people to get up and sing in front of mostly strangers (alcohol). Do these people secretly believe that they're diamonds in the rough (it's the alcohol)? The next big thing (See the following: Alcohol)? Or is it something else (again, alcohol)? I'm not quite sure...I'm thinking it's the alcohol.

Some of the people at the bar could actually sing quite decently. Most were quite bad. It was fun! The people watching was superb. I enjoyed trying to figure out which ones had been practicing. I really enjoyed the lady that would close her eyes for the dramatic parts. Ah, humans..you bring me much entertainment.

No music today. A) I don't have anything about Karaoke and B) Esnips isn't letting me upload any music (something about copyrighted music and blah blah blah..F them!)

'Tis The Season

2008-01-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

Hello, 2008! So long 2007, you sucked my ass! It's that time of the year. You know, it's the time of year where you get all excited for something new. Oh the possibilities!!! Will this be the year that things are different, or will it just be another ho hum year??? It's January 1st! It's time to make the annual resolutions!

Last night I sat at my laptop and actually wrote out my resolutions and goals for the coming year. This is something new for me. Usually I just say "I'm going to be a better person this year..." and invariably I turn more cynical and bitter. This year I wrote out actual goals...so will I turn LESS cynical and bitter? hmm...probably not!

I spent the last 10 days in Utah. The land of cold weather and snow. How the hell did I live in that stuff?? I'm NOT made for cold weather (much like I'm not made for working...a life a leisure suits me best!). It was nice being home and being with my family. I got to see friends and enjoy myself. Mainly I relaxed and listened to my parents argue over nonsense...("Where's the remote?" "What remote?" "The other remote!" "I don't know what you're talking about!")

I'm planning on this year being different. I'm hoping to recapture a younger (and skinnier) Cort. One that was more carefree!

So welcome 2008...I hope you don't suck!

Cortucopia

Summer Isn't Here Yet, But It's Already Gone

Catching Up And Getting Down

SIGH

This Is Some Mighty Fine Milk!

If You Look To Your Right, Kids, You'll See Satan!

Love Child

New Girlfriend

Lying Liars and the Lies They Tell

How To Start August With A Bang

Is That A Phone In Your Pants?

Oh God, Where Art Thou?

I'm A Shining Star

One Day And Counting

Narcissism Is The New Charming

Oh, To Be Like Sam Beam

Day Number 4

It's 12:45 A.M. Where Are You?

Suck It!

Dear Anonymous

Let's Go A Protesting!

What is Cort

Starting The Year Off With A Bang!

Singing For All To Hear

'Tis The Season

To Wet Your Appetite

Excuse Me? I'm Not That Old, Little Girl!!!

A Life Less Empty

Cougartown!

Proceed With Caution

Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit Of Happiness

Come Take A Ride On My Train

The Love Affair Rages On!!

Feist Again

After A Brief Interruption

When Did San Francisco Turn Into The Philippines?

It's Not That I'm Lazy. I'd Just Rather Lay On The Couch And Watch TV.

I'm Like A Fine Wine. I Get Better With Age.

I Don't Have Time For Your Gibber Jabber

One Koolickle, Please!

I'm Still In The Running To Become America's Next Top Model!

....And Now Back To Our Reguarly Scheduled Programming

Another Day

Where's My Bloody Ambien?

Cue The Theme Song From The O.C.

On The Road

....And To Thee, I Say Farewell!

I'm Infested

A Head Full of Nothing

Packing Up My Memories

Come Taste Me, I'm Delicious!!!!!!!!